Foolish Worms!
by verycoolname
Summary: The idea of becoming the embodiment of evil without actually turning evil is ridiculous. The idea of someone actually making things better by doing whatever they wanted with their newfound power is more ridiculous. This is a story about someone too powerful to fail making the world(s) a better place by not being an asshole. This story is ridiculous. A Worm CYOA SI/OC crackfic.
1. Prologue

**My other story is driving me nuts, so I'm giving y'all _this_ instead. It's pretty cracky, but everything I write is going to be at some level. Enjoy!**

* * *

Making up reasons why my stupid, badly written fanfiction and other peoples' _good_ fanfictions are real somewhere is an interesting 'intellectual' exercise. For me, that usually involved twisting philosophy and quantum mechanics to suit my needs. The result is a misbegotten hybrid between a distorted and inverted version of solipsism and the observer effect theory of quantum mechanics.

It's fun, if terribly inaccurate scientifically speaking. Spending too much time on this sort of thing and taking it too seriously isn't healthy either. Escapism is fine, but neglecting the real world because you're obsessed with justifying your fantasies is a really bad idea. Of course, that advice falls flat considering I actually got ROBed.

I'd been bored. My writer's block had been used to bludgeon my muse to death and I could barely finish typing out a single sentence.

So I spent my free time doing random stuff on the internet, waiting for inspiration to strike. I was re-watching old cartoons and reading whatever struck my fancy. It wasn't going to help inspire me. I could have all the ideas I wanted, but that wasn't going to make it any easier to get it out of my head and on paper.

As I was amusing myself I came upon one of the CYOAs for Worm. I'd always found those interesting. Worm had a surprisingly loyal fanbase considering how depressing it was. I always figured that the love for it had a lot more to do with all the work Wildbow put into the characters and powers, not the work he put into deconstructing the superhero genre. At least that was what _I_ liked about it.

The CYOAs themselves are escapism at its finest. Most if not all of them are a thinly disguised way of envisioning an alternate version where someone could effectively rampage with overpowered abilities. The early ones were just plain ridiculous. As I read through the third version I realized that just with god mode and a couple of negligible disadvantages, anyone could choose an utterly ridiculous power like one that let you _create_ powers, make yourself into any being in the Multiverse, buy a few quality of life advantages, _and_ still be able to erase Scion from existence.

I mean seriously, how would being enemies with a bunch of nazis, asian nazis, and druggies be anything more than a mild inconvenience to someone with one of the main powers? Then again, that was probably the point. The Worm universe was a dark place after all, so maybe that much power was what was needed to ensure the Choose Your Own Adventure didn't become a Choose Your Own Hellhole.

...Well, that was my theory and I was sticking to it. Anyone who chose Skitter mode was obviously indulging their inner sadist or masochist, depending on how closely they identified with their self-insert. I was sticking with that theory too.

Fix fics and crack all the way.

As I looked over the CYOA I mentally filled it out. I honestly wasn't putting much effort into it. The only reason I was indulging myself was because I had just watched a couple of episodes of Samurai Jack and it had me thinking. Only the first edition let me be a 'real' endbringer, but the third edition let me pick a character from another fiction. That made me think of Aku. The Shogun of Sorrow looked a lot like an endbringer and was in a similar weight class.

The idea of having Aku's powers and running amuck in Worm seemed fun. Messing with the characters using power manipulation sounded interesting as well.

The disadvantages weren't that big a deal either. Helen Keller wouldn't mistake Aku for a normal human, so picking Case 53 was natural. Godmode made Brockton Bay's gangs into a bunch of glorified practice dummies, so picking all three as enemies was a no brainer too. Being able to teleport also made being dropped into the world randomly a minor inconvenience as well.

I glanced over the pages a few more times before shrugging and going to close the window. I blacked out the second my mouse touched the close button.


	2. Chapter 1

The atmosphere before an endbringer fight was never pleasant. The best that anyone ever felt was grim determination. No one ever expected to win anymore. The goal was to survive and avoid losing too badly.

The Simurgh would be arriving in a few seconds. Unlike the Behemoth and the Leviathan, she didn't need to be present to fulfill her title of Hope-killer. The capes were already losing hope. They didn't flee though. They stayed for all sorts of reasons, ranging from determination to protect, to simple hatred.

The Simurgh descend from the sky. Her icy, emotionless gaze swept over the capes arrayed against her. Then, just before she began to attack, a black pillar burst free from the ground.

The black shape tore free of the asphalt and shot skyward. It grew up and up, until it towered over the skyscrapers. Everyone stopped to stare at the monolith, even Ziz. It looked like a jagged tree trunk made of obsidian.

At first, everyone assumed that it was the work of some parahuman. It was either that or Ziz manifesting some unknown ability. No one wanted to believe that the Simurgh had a new trick, but no one was taking credit for the creepy pillar. They just stared and shifted nervously.

No one wanted to act. There was something oppressively stifling about the tree's presence. It was alien, practically Lovecraftian, and that made people hesitate. Even the Simurgh looked disconcerted ...which was slightly reassuring and incredibly terrifying. The fact that she was cautious was good since it meant that this wasn't her doing. But it was unnerving to see her acting like anything other than the emotionless bitch she always was.

Suddenly, the branches started growing and bending. The sound was awful, like someone with a brute rating was slowly twisting bits of wood apart. It was loud enough that many watching started to cover their ears. When the noise finished the obsidian tree had altered into a horned monstrosity with long arms sporting bladed elbows and shoulders. The face that had appeared was that of a sleeping demon.

Thick red hair formed a long goatee and opaque red flames flickered in place of eyebrows. The green-skinned face was framed by six long black horns. Sharp tusks curved out of its mouth, forcing the lips apart in a grimace.

An awful, groaning hum filled the air and the sky warped. Reality seemed to reject the demon's presence. The light grew dim and the clouds started forming a spiral around a dully shining sun. Then, the demon woke up.

Large round eyes opened up and blinked once. The being looked around emotionlessly, slowly scanning the crowd below, then gazing at the Simurgh floating off to the side.

Most everyone who saw the growing grin shivered slightly as goosebumps appeared on their skin...

* * *

It didn't take me long to figure out what had happened. This was impossible, but also somehow still cliche enough to be instantly recognizable.

Part of me wanted to freak out, but the rest of my mind was too busy reveling in the sheer, unbridled power I now possessed. I stretched, lifting my arms like I wanted to grasp the sky. My joints crunched and crackled as I flexed, the sound echoing through the silent city.

As I relaxed and took a deep breath I realized something. Aku _must have_ been sandbagging. No mere human could resist my might, no matter their skills or powers. How on _earth_ had Jack managed to survive against Aku for more than a few seconds? I wasn't just powerful; I was _power_ itself.

Even with my shackled abilities, I was beyond what I had seen on the show. It wasn't right. The lack of in-universe magic should make me weaker, not stronger. Then again, I was currently Aku, the living embodiment of evil. It could be that my power was based on how much power I needed to achieve what Aku had. Or maybe this universe was just so awful that it gave my evilness a power boost or something.

I wasn't going to complain about having enough mojo to deal with a certain oversized chicken though.

The Simurgh and I stared at each other. I felt my tusks shift as my face stretched into a malicious smile. A harsh laugh bubbled up from inside me. I couldn't help it; I'd been dropped in front of the Hope Killer herself, and yet _she_ was the one without any hope of beating me.

"**Ah Haha! Hahaha!"**

The Simurgh's response to my laugh was to launch a parking lot's worth of cars at me.

The projectiles sunk into my body like rocks in mud. I snorted and made a show of flexing my chest. It dislodged the vehicles which fell free of my pitch black 'skin' and dropped to the ground. One of them, a van, fell into my hand. I crushed it like a ball of foil. A flick of my thumb and a pulse of my own telekinetic power sent it careening back towards the Simurgh, who smacked it off course with a wing.

She screamed at me, attempting to assault my mind. I laughed in response and stretched my mouth wide open. My bellow overwhelmed her scream and shook the air. Waves of sonic force blasted into the endbringer, sending her flailing backward and cracking a few of her smallest wings.

The endbringer was glaring now. It was subtle but stood out like a billboard compared to her normal, emotionless expression. Bit of electronics from nearby buildings and the tinkertech of several capes were torn free from their owners and disassembled. The pieces floated up into the air and zipped about as individual pieces joined together. A half dozen gun-like constructs assembled themselves like the world's most complex puzzle. As soon as she finished them, they opened fire on me.

Beams of power in different shapes and colors carved into me, punching holes and slicing out sections of my body. Within seconds my body was reduced to shreds. My head was the only thing intact, and I would have fallen over if I hadn't been using telekinesis to stay upright. Even so, it must have looked like I was close to death.

Then I restored myself.

It was easy as breathing. All that firepower hadn't destroyed the smallest part of my body. It only displaced it. I willed everything together. Wisps that had been torn free slid back into place, the edges of each hole melted and flowed, closing shut. I was back to normal in the same amount of time it took for the Simurgh to 'damage' me.

As soon as I was whole, I blasted the Simurgh with my eye-beams. I dragged my deadly gaze up and down her body. The beams drew a path of destruction wherever my eyes looked. When I finally stopped my eye-beams the pure white body of the endbringer was marred by ugly scorch marks that were carved deep into her hyper-dense 'flesh'.

Charred feathers and bits of her wings fell to the ground. Her face contorted in rage and she swung a hand at the air. A massive invisible hammer smashed into my side and splattered me into a skyscraper. She'd stopped holding back.

I reformed before she could hit me again. My body shifted as I took a more suitable form. I morphed myself into an impossibly large scorpion. Soon, my iconic face and inky black flesh was all that remained of my previous shape. Skittering up the ruined building, I leapt on top of another she was floating close to. Before she could react, my stinger lunged forwards and stabbed her in the hip.

The Simurgh attempted to dodge as I continued my attack. She flit back and forth, doing her best to stay out of my reach. For the most part, she failed. My pincers snipped away at her, lopping off bits off wings as well as severing her foot at the ankle. My stinger kept stabbing at her as well, gouging holes in her body.

Telekinetic blasts slammed into me over and over. My new exoskeleton absorbed the blows, but the force knocked me off course and prevented me from getting ahold of her so I could do real damage. Eventually, she got a clean hit in. The massive blow forced me to the ground, pressing me down into a crater formed by the attack. The Simurgh took advantage of the breather to rocket up into the sky, far out of reach.

I let my body melt into a puddle inside the crater. For a brief second, I was nothing more than a thick pool of tar. Then, I sprang out of the hole and beat my wings. I'd become an enormous black dragon. The distance between us shrank quickly as I ascended like a rocket. I breathed fire in an intense stream, blinding the Simurgh and burning away her skin and hair.

Supernatural senses I didn't know I had awakened. They allowed me to sense The Simurgh's telekinetic power coming and slip out of the way. My sinuous body made dodging easy. Fire enveloped her, melting layer after layer of her flesh off her body. Then I flew past her, only pausing to rake her with my talons as I zoomed further into the sky.

With her escape route into space cut off, Ziz began attacking in earnest once again. She tore the buildings apart to use as ammo while she assembled more tinkertech weapons in hopes of finding something that would stick.

Supposedly, the Simurgh had incredible precognition. Some combination of my magic, alien nature, and 'man of mystery' must have been disrupting it badly though. She was having trouble hitting me. Without her ability to see the future, her ability to strategize or aim was suffering. Like threading a needle, I chose a path between the projectiles. Then I dove like a hawk.

My fang-filled jaws gaped wide as I vomited blasts of lightning to destroy any attacks that got to close. I sped up, diving faster and faster until I was practically a bolt of lightning myself. A glancing hit struck my side. The wing tore away without resistance, and I kept diving without losing speed. The missing wing messed up my balance, but I just used it to spin my body like a drill.

At the last second my jaw snapped shut and morphed into a spearpoint. Then I hit her.

The sharp point of my 'beak' sank deep into her flesh, sliding between the ribs. My momentum smashed her out of the air. We struck an office building like a lopsided meteorite. Our bodies smashed a deep hole starting at the roof and ending halfway through the second floor. The building shuddered a bit before collapsing and burying us both.

I forced the piece of me in Ziz's chest to dig deeper as I searched for her core. My tendril slowly worked its way through her flesh like a weed pushing through concrete. Her panicked thrashing dislodged me before I could get more than a few inches. She tore free almost immediately. The concrete and steel pinning us practically exploded, flying away in a burst of telekinesis. She shot up into the sky, determined to escape.

The Simurgh was improbably strong, improbably durable, and a lot of other improbablies besides. On the other hand, I was magic given form, so nothing short of 'impossibly' was going to stop me for long. The shreds left of my 'roots' swelled up and burst free to form a massive centipede with my grinning face that wrapped around her. 'I' dug my legs into her tough skin. That binding didn't stop the Simurgh for long, but it did buy the rest of me time to lunge upwards like a great white attacking a seal. Her face twisted in fear for the first time, then my jaws slammed shut around her and I swallowed her whole.

The inside of my body was effectively another dimension. I could feel Simurgh struggling inside of me, but even her ridiculous strength wasn't going to help her escape. Especially not after I used my power manipulation to strip her of her powers. My 'stomach' became a makeshift crucible as I filled myself with fire, burning away her body until only her core was left. I had finally won.

My triumphant laugh echoed through Canberra.

"**Ha! haha! Ah hahaha!**"

"...oh shit."

"Maybe he's friendly?"

"And maybe pigs can fly."

"Hey man, who knows? Bio-tinkers come up with some weird shit."

Twisting around, I gazed down at the little fools below me. Their expressions were almost universally nervous. That was understandable. I had just eaten an _endbringer_ after all. I looked monstrous enough that it was going to be hard for them to think of me as a hero. The horrible, omnipresent droning noise of my presence wasn't helping.

I gave them a 'friendly' smile. My arms had disappeared into the black cloak covering my body. It made me look like a tapering pillar with my blade-like shoulders and my distinct head protruding from the top. It was easy to spot the trio of fools known as the Triumvirate. They were the closest to me, and the other fools were looking to them for guidance. They had a decent amount of power for insects as well.

"**Heeheehee~ Ahaha! HAHAHA!**"

My laugh grew and grew as my body began to bubble. The fools scattered throughout the streets below me stiffened and readied themselves for an attack. Whatever they thought was going to happen, they weren't ready for a sudden hurricane of cackling bats with my grinning features.

The massive swarm of my bodies dispersing into the city made for a suitably impressive exit. A few of the fools attacked reflexively, but none of them could do any permanent damage to me. I let a few of my bodies brush Eidolon, stealing a certain power. Once I had it I spread my bodies out over the city and hid them in nooks and crannies before disappearing.

* * *

**And there you go. There'll be more eventually, but I really want to finish the Killing Joke arc in my other story. I like writing these sorts of fight scenes and cracky bits, so it may end up as a multi crossover if my muse doesn't kick the bucket again.**

**An interesting fact: I haven't actually read Worm all the way through. Wildbow is a great writer, but my bipolar disorder means that darker novels tend to trigger mood swings. When it gets too bad I tend to abandon it, watch a bunch of cute animal videos, and read any good fix fics I can find to clean my literary palate. Of course, eventually I'll have forgotten how bad it was and try to read it again.**** It's sort of like the reading equivalent of trying to eat pizza right out of the oven.**


	3. Chapter 2

**Warning: This gets a bit dark. I _hate_ the Slaughterhouse Nine. More than is healthy, really.**

I popped out of a shadow in an old basement, barely over seven feet tall.

The first thing I did once I had a moment to myself was to draw on my power manipulation. Rather than give myself yet another way to rain sorrow on powerless mortals, I created powers that granted immunity to the effects that my new body and memories had on my mind.

Being turned into a personification of pure evil countless millennia old was certain to mess with my personality and I wanted to nip that in the bud.

The icy feeling of being cleansed of Aku's corruptive influence rushed through my mind and soul. It wasn't a moment too soon. Now that I was clear-headed, I could tell that I'd already been losing any empathy for humanity. I had nearly gained Aku's attitude towards the pathetic inse- weak foo- _humans_. The idea that I had been so close to being overwritten was terrifying.

I still had Aku's memories acting as the devil on my shoulder, but at least they weren't in my head, pulling levers and pressing buttons. My mental protections wouldn't keep Aku's memories from offering suggestions, but they weren't a _compulsion_ anymore. Being made of evil was fine, but I was not going to stop being me. No one could make me be evil. It was ironic, but Aku's pride was part of the reason I was so determined to not lose my humanity.

_No one_ commands the Master of Masters.

And now I was stuck in a love letter to nihilism disguised as a story about superheroes. This was a universe where 'it gets worse' was practically a natural law, like gravity. I would have despaired if it wasn't for the ridiculous amount of power that I had. Endbringers were basically unbeatable, to say nothing of Scion.

In retrospect, I shouldn't have won that fight so easily. Endbringers were capable of destroying entire worlds when they cut loose. The Simurgh may have been optimized for subtlety over power, but she still should have done a lot better. It was probably 'Dadversary's' doing. Even when she seemed to go all out, Eidolon's shard still put limiters on her powers.

Giving an arrogant host a few 'worthy opponents' was fine, messing with the cycle by letting one of them crack the planet open was not.

Luckily, I had time to prepare for the next fights. Even better, I wasn't going to lose a fight in this magicless excuse for a universe. There was no magic sword or foolish samurai to stop me, so I was _truly_ immortal. I had the ultimate weapon for a war of attrition. And with Power Manipulation, I could pull a weapon tailor-made to defeat my opponent out of my metaphorical ass.

Power Manipulation was the perfect tool to do as I pleased. With the ability to give, tweak, boost, or remove powers I would be able to change a lot of things for the better or just have fun. Being Aku meant that I could do so without worrying about anyone stopping me. I knew just where to start as well.

"**Eeheehee!**"

It was hard, but I squashed down my laugh as best I could and focused. I instinctively stretched out my senses. Scrying was an interesting trick that Aku had used, mostly to spy on Samurai Jack. Using it without a focus like the one in my- _his_ tower was difficult. Luckily, my targets had caused massive amounts of pain, misery, and sorrow. My magic was good at homing in on stuff like that. I practically fed on the stuff after all.

My supernatural senses were odd. It took a while to adjust to them, and I only ended up noticing them when I needed them. Being able to smell the blood pumping through the veins of creatures around me just hadn't been relevant during the fight against Ziz. Although, the fact that she had a blood analog had been interesting.

The taste of negative emotions, on the other hand, was easy to interpret. I could sense pockets of evil all across the planet. One in particular stood out like an eight-course gourmet meal.

After a few moments, I managed to pinpoint my prey's exact location. Their image appeared on the wall. I could see them stepping out of a battered bus at the edge of what looked like some east coast town. I was lucky, it looked like they were about to get started. I focused carefully, then teleported to their location.

!-!-!

Jack Slash looked at the sign proclaiming 'Welcome to Nullepart' approvingly. He just loved that small-town charm. Taking a deep breath, he turned to his compatriots and gave them a practiced grin.

"Well everyone, are you ready to paint… the… town…"

_BVVvvvvrrrmmmmnnVVVvvvrrmmnnnBvvvvvrrrmmmm..._

The roguish murderer's voice trailed off as he looked behind him and saw the massive base of _something_ wearing a pitch-black cloak. The edges of the silky tar-like cloth flickered like flames but never revealed whatever was hidden underneath. Jack Slash tore his gaze away from the strange sight and looked up ...and up ...and up.

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Towering over them like the blackened corpse of an ancient sequoia was some sort of monstrous parahuman. The others turned and craned their necks to gaze at the demonic-looking cape looming overhead. The sight of an inhuman green face gazed down at them. The being had thick, branchlike horns, great flaming eyebrows, a smiling mouthful of curved tusks, and giant, faintly glowing eyes.

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A groaning hum filled the air. It was deeply unnerving, although not as much as the way the clouds covering the sky seemed to be spiraling around the sun overhead. It was like the world itself was being twisted and corrupted by the demonic-looking parahuman's presence. The strange parahuman gazed down on them, grimacing in amusement at them.

"**Greetings! It is I, Aku!**"

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The members of the most infamous gang of murderers in history exchanged disbelieving stares.

The being frowned and made a thoughtful grumble.

"**Hrmm… You know, this is the part where you start kneeling...**"

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Jack forced himself to stay calm and gave the enormous parahuman an apologetic smile. He quietly exchanged a nod with Hatchet-face before spreading his arms out and shaking his head.

"My apologies Mister Aku, but you see, we aren't the most ...civil of individuals. I hope you'll forgive our lack of decorum."

The scarred thug nonchalantly made his way over to the monstrosity before them. Whether it was a changer or anything else, Hatchet-face should still be able to disable its powers.

The colossal parahuman looked down at them. A single, fiery eyebrow raised up. Jack frowned. It was not a changer then. A case 53?

"**This seems less a lack of knowledge and more deliberate disrespect. I suppose I must show you who is the master and who is the fool.**"

Jack Slash smiled. He opened his mouth to speak when the words froze in his throat.

Jack finally noticed that his power wasn't helping. This wasn't a parahuman. He would know the words needed if it was.

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Twin blasts of light lanced out without warning. Jack Slash flinched at the intense light and searing heat. When his vision returned, a deep trench filled with molten, bubbling asphalt had been burnt into the street. It ran at an angle, starting where Hatchet-face had been standing and ending next to him, right where Bonesaw used to be. Jack tried not to think about why the steam felt ...greasy.

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The attack spurred Crawler to action. He leaped forward with a manic scream.

"Fight me! Hurt me!"

Crawler slammed into the base of the towering demon and started attacking with wild abandon, biting, clawing, and spitting acid. The size difference was unnerving. Normally, Crawler was the biggest parahuman in the fight. The way the monster watched Crawler mauling its 'feet' with a bemused expression made Crawler seem ...minuscule.

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Mannequin and the Siberian attacked next. One of Mannequin's forearms launched upwards and sank a set of claws into the inky black cloak. In moments Mannequin's lanky, disjointed body had climbed up and was clinging to the being's face. He discharged some sort of gel into its eyes.

The Siberian took a much more direct route. She simply took a flying leap to tackle the threat in front of her. Her black and white body punched through with ease, leaving a large hole behind. Jack Slash felt his spirits lift for a second until he saw the ragged edges of the hole stretch out and close the wound. Within seconds there was no trace of the Siberian's attack.

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Suddenly, the monster's eyes glowed underneath the gel. Mannequin's tinkertech concoction resisted for a split second before failing catastrophically. Twin lances of light blasted across the sky, and charred pieces of Mannequin's body fell smoking to the ground. Crawler screamed in frustration at being ignored.

"Fight me! Fight back already!"

"**If you insist.**"

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Jack Slash told himself he was only backing up to let the others fight freely. He told himself that he wasn't afraid, that he wasn't scared by the sight of the demonic being basically ignoring two of Slaughterhouse Nine's strongest hitters as if they were an angry puppy and a buzzing fly.

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He was lying and he knew it.

The towering creature raised a hand and held up a finger in front of its face. The demon's finger grew longer and sharper until the nail looked more like a long scythe blade. It flexed the digit once before almost casually using it to chop Crawler to pieces. A ball of blue fire burnt the resulting chunks of meat to ashes before Crawler had a chance to regenerate.

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Shatterbird let out a high pitched scream. The glass of the cars and buildings nearby exploded, but Jack looked into the distance with a sinking feeling. The further away from Shatterbird, the less effective her scream was. The windows a few blocks away weren't even cracked. That evil droning noise must have been suppressing the resonance that allowed her to cause the chain reaction of destruction she was so famous for.

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She lifted herself into the air, but Jack could see how sluggish her flight was. Her blades of glass were still relatively quick, but they sunk harmlessly into the monster's body like it was tar.

Burnscar stretched out her hands and began spraying streams of fire at the surroundings. Flames billowed everywhere, swallowing up nearby buildings and spreading quickly. Jack didn't have much hope that they would do anything. Burnscar must not have either since she immediately used the fire to teleport away. For a second, Jack wondered if she would succeed.

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Then he saw the tiny smirk on the demon's face.

It pursed its lips and blew lightly at the spreading inferno. Jack was nearly flattened by the resulting typhoon and Burnscar's flames were snuffed out instantly. Burnscar tripped and tumbled to the ground, staring back with surprised horror. Jack Slash watched numbly as an immense taloned hand stretched out overhead to smash her into a paste.

The monstrous being dug his claws into the asphalt and lifted up a handful of the gore covered street. With a casual toss, it flung the bloody chunk over its shoulder. Jack watched it arc through the air, flying off into the distance. He barely caught a glimpse of it landing on top of William Manton's old van, crushing it into a pancake. The Siberian blinked out of existence with a soft popping sound.

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That was when Jack Slash started running.

Shatterbird attempted to flee as well. She sent shard after shard of glass at the demon to cover her retreat. Jack didn't bother to watch. He knew how futile her efforts were. He knew how futile his own was as well.

The sound of shattering glass and a wet, meaty noise echoed behind him. A headless corpse flew overhead and tumbled down the street, cutting Jack off. He was about to step over his former teammate's dead body when it pulled itself to its feet.

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The decapitated body of Shatterbird stood unsteadily, turning to face Jack Slash. All that remained of her colored glass 'dress' were the shards that had gotten stuck in her flesh. Viscous black fluid oozed from the wounds, staining her body. The headless zombie moved to block off Jack Slash's escape route.

Jack Slash swung his blade wildly. Deep cuts appeared on Shatterbird's corpse, each leaking more black tar. The body leaped forwards and pounced on her former leader. She twisted him into an armbar and turned him around. Jack found himself looking up at the demon's grimacing smile.

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Jack Slash struggled against the iron grip of Shatterbird's body. The shards of glass that were embedded into the front of her torso dug into his back, cutting his skin. An utterly massive hand wrapped around the two of them, scooping them up into the air.

Shatterbird's zombie went limp and started to melt. Jack felt the evil tar soak into his back before being absorbed into the demon's skin. It squinted at Jack with an odd expression and blinked. Then it started laughing.

"**Eheehee! Ahaha! Hahahaha!**"

!-!-!

The sight of Jack Slash trying to act calm and collected was _hilarious_. If he got any more scared I was going to have to worry about him wetting himself in my hand. He was still quite the thespian though, and he managed to speak in a calm tone with a small that looked _almost_ sincere.

"Well big guy, you certainly know how to make an impression. I don't suppose I can still bow?"

I looked down at him, and his expression set me cackling again. Every time I almost calmed down, just looking at him again set me off. Eventually a combination of his punctured ego and the fact that I hadn't killed him let him recover his confidence. He waited 'patiently' for me to calm down and gave me a brittle smile.

"You seem to be enjoying yourself. May I ask what's so funny?"

"**Heehee… Sorry, I just thought of something funny.**"

Jack twitched slightly. He knew what I was up to. This sort of thing was part of his MO after all. I leaned forward and grinned at the flattered looking murder hobo.

"**You managed to become completely evil but not the least bit important.**"

Jack's face shifted through several different expressions and colors.

"**It's like this, nobody really cares about King anymore. He's old news, history. They only remember him because the Slaughterhouse Nine **_**was**_ **still running around causing trouble. Same with the ones like Chuckles and Numbe- Excuse me, **_**Harbinger.**_"

I grinned. _Widely_.

"**And soon, you'll be the same. Tomorrow, people will be celebrating. And the next, they'll be talking about it all day. But by the end of the week? No one will give a shit about you. You'll be just another dead villain. In a couple generations you won't even be **_**that**_**. King's little club will be ancient history that middle schoolers will write a couple paragraphs of inaccurate information on. **"

Jack Slash tried to scream at me, but I used a bit of magic to muffle his voice.

"**You spent **_**decades**_ **of your life, but that was all it adds up to. No one will remember you, Jacob. Because, as evil as you were, you were just a screaming child throwing a tantrum. You were never important.**"

He screamed silently for a full minute before I got bored and squeezed.

I shook the gore from my hand and sighed in satisfaction. The whole band had been intensely, irredeemably, _deliciously_ evil. My karmic sense interpreted things like a sense of taste, which meant that they tasted evil. Even better, they died in a literal burst of flavor. And that sheer malevolence made them gourmet meals to my refined palate.

It reminded me of an evil chocolate assortment. Bonesaw had been overly sweet and Hatchetface a bit bland, but I still had _really_ enjoyed them.

I kind of understood why the original Aku had spent so much time turning Earth into a hive of scum and villainy now. He took a more ...sustainable approach to enjoying the evils of others. Killing the S9 was like killing the chicken that laid golden eggs, at least from Aku's perspective.

Even so, the Aku part of me wasn't too worried. It wasn't like the evil humans were rare around here. Even if I ran out, the entities were evidence of other worlds, so I could pop across the galaxy for a snack if I wanted. The fact that I was human meant that I had a lot more interests than basking in the evils of the world too.

I definitely enjoyed killing those freaks. Deliciousness aside, the fools were a prime example of what was wrong with this universe.

But despite my claims, people weren't going to forget about the Slaughterhouse Nine anytime soon. There wasn't much I could do to help either. I was going to pop Gray Boy's bubbles as soon as I upgraded my time manipulation enough to reverse the effects of the loop. Unfortunately, the atrocities committed by the rest of that troupe of murder-hobos weren't so easily undone.

But at least there was one other thing I _could_ do to add insult to injury in a way to give others closure...

!-!-!

Albert hauled himself out of the transport, his hazmat suit making loud rustling noises. He stared at the crowd working around the strange 'building' that had been left behind by the being that had eaten the Simurgh and killed the Slaughterhouse Nine.

The structure in question looked like a pitch-black tree stump. A few sharp branches jutted upwards, and a door was set in the side. It was an evil-looking thing. That was strange, considering the reports that it was, in fact, a restroom.

The sight of everyone moving about in normal uniform was reassuring. Albert had heard the reports that the area was safe, but he'd worn the hazmat suit anyway. You couldn't be too careful when dealing with places where nutjobs like Bonesaw had been. If people weren't kitted out like he was, that meant that everyone here was _certain_ things were safe.

A glance at the odd looking building revealed words carved above the door in a simple font.

**Here lies some villains**

**Good riddance.**

One of the agents strolled up to Albert.

"There aren't any bacteria or viruses. The Geiger counters and tinkertech aren't picking up any radiation or abnormal energies. The building doesn't have anything complex inside either, at least not according to the fancy toys we've brought."

"You certain?

"Yup, it's basically just one solid lump. The only separate parts are the plumbing and wiring."

"Huh. What's it made of anyway?"

"They are saying that it's something like petrified wood."

"Petrified wood? How the hell-"

"No, _like_ petrified wood. Apparently there're some weird differences, like how it seems partially metallic. The stuff is corrosion resistant and is crazy strong as well. It's somehow past a ten on the Mohs scale and weirdly flexible besides. Getting a proper sample is going to be hard."

"Well, if we can get the capes a piece they can figure out. No reason for us to get a headache over parahuman weirdness."

"Oh, the weirdness doesn't stop there. This thing is somehow hooked up to the town's plumbing. The toilet in there? Fully functional."

"Seriously? How… Nope, not gonna ask. But that means the sink and toilet works doesn't it?"

"Yup, we've had a couple of people test it out already. Someone brought some toilet paper and soap, so you can piss on Jack Slash's grave if you want."

"...You know what? I think I will."

!-!-!

Fifty-eight years later...

"...And that's why the toilet water hitting you when you poop is called a Jack Splash."

The third-grader grinned in triumph as he looked up from his paper. The rest of the class was snickering like kids usually did when presented with toilet humor, and the teacher had an odd look on her face.

"That's... _nice..._ Allen, but this assignment was on the first sightings of the Great Lord Aku."

"Grandpa Greg said this would be better."

"...Of course he did."

The teacher nodded slightly and scribbled down a note to talk to Allen's parents about Mr. Veder's interference with their son's studies.

**And there we go. After this is a PHO interlude, then I can finally get to the delicious, cracky center of this fic.**


	4. Chapter 3

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**Topic: The Tree Demon**

**In: Boards News**

**SwagnusTheRed** (Original Poster) (Verified Cape)

Posted on February 24, 2011

Just finished the 'fight' with The Simurgh. I know you all know how that usually goes, but this time was a _bit_ different. Just in case you live under a rock: The Simurgh was killed!

To sum it up for those who weren't lucky enough to see it themselves (I never imagined I would say _that_ about an endbringer battle):

Just before the fight started a tree popped out of the ground in front of everybody. The tree then turned into _something_ that proceeded to absolutely destroy The Simurgh.

Their fight ended with Ziz getting eaten alive and the whatever-that-is turning into like a billion bats and disappearing.

Make sure to thank Lookout for the videos. The videos she got using her tinkertech cameras are a lot higher quality than what my phone got.

*edit

Apparently he wasn't done since there have been reports of him reappearing on the east coast and slaughtering the Slaughterhouse Nine. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going back to enjoying Canberra's citywide party. I've got another reason to celebrate.

**Bagrat** (Veteran Member) (The Guy In The Know)

Replied on February 24, 2011

Confirmed.

Also, hell yes.

**DroptheBaum**

Replied on February 24, 2011

Ding dong the bitch is dead!

**Tw1stedTranssister**

Replied on February 24, 2011

The mean old bitch, the wicked bitch!

**NamethatCape** (Cape Groupie)

Replied on February 24, 2011

Ding dong the wicked bitch is dead!

**XxVoid_CowboyxX**

Replied on February 24, 2011

Welp, we're boned.

**SpecificProtagonist**

Replied on February 24, 2011

XxVoid_CowboyxX

I know I'm going to regret asking, but why is that?

**XxVoid_CowboyxX**

Replied on February 24, 2011

SpecificProtagonist

It's obvious that it'll go after us once it's finished.

It's a super-endbringer, and it's getting rid of the competition

**LovingCraft01**

Replied on February 24, 2011

Ph'lngui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'bagl fhtagn...

**SwagnusTheRed** (Original Poster) (Verified Cape)

Posted on February 24, 2011

LovingCraft01

See, I know you're joking, but that hits really close to home. There was something really lovecraftian about it. Just looking at the thing gave me a headache.

**XxVoid_CowboyxX**

Replied on February 24, 2011

Super. Endbringer. Does no one care about this!?

**GearShaft** (Unverified Cape)

Replied on February 24, 2011

SwagnusTheRed

Seconded.

That noise wasn't any better. It was like it was coming from inside my _bones_. I thought it was the Simurgh at first.

**Peenutbutterjellyt1me**

Replied on February 24, 2011

XxVoid_CowboyxX

Yeah, we just don't care about you.

**DeafDefying **(Verified DJ)

Replied on February 24, 2011

The harmonics on the sound are funky. And not 'funky fresh' or some garbage like that. I mean sound isn't supposed to work like that.

**B3atB0xer **

Replied on February 24, 2011

Has anyone analyzed the video? I can't tell if those eyebrows are some kind of weird opaque fire or just moving hair.

**BrainyBunch** (Verified Thinker)

Replied on February 24, 2011

B3atB0xer

I've been looking at a couple recordings that our team has been analyzing and as near as I can tell the answer to your question is 'yes'. That bullshit's practically quantum...

**End of Page. 1, ****2****, ****3** … **15****, ****16****, ****17****, ****18****,**

**(Showing page 37 of 48)**

**Banbar0**

Replied on February 25, 2011

So, we haven't been hearing much from the capes who saw the fight in person.

What's up?

**SoldierSpy **(Unverified Cape)

Replied on February 25, 2011

Banbar0 Yeah, most of us are out partying or just trying to get drunk

**Bullrush** (Verified Cape)

Replied on February 25, 2011

Tryibg and suceeding

**Nothinspeshul**

Replied on February 25, 2011

Go home Bullrush, you're drunk.

**Shakemylife ** (Verified Cape)

Replied on February 25, 2011

Banbar0 Man, how to describe it… It was like that scene in Jurassic Park where the T-rex bursts in and eats the velociraptors. Yeah, you're happy that it happened, but you REALLY don't want to stick around in case the T-rex decides on dessert...

**GstringGirl**

Replied on February 25, 2011

Anyways, should we really be calling him a demon?

**Bladeworksfan** (Kyushu Survivor)

Replied on February 25, 2011

GstringGirl He killed the 'angel' so I think it counts as a demon, although it's kinda backwards…

Sure as hell ain't complaining though.

**ASaltyBattery** (Verified Shipper)

Replied on February 25, 2011

The Fallen might canonize tall, dark and fiery as the devil, but i don't think their opinion really matters.

**Jotunn451**

Replied on February 25, 2011

Hey guys! he's back, and he killed the S9!

-!-!-!-

Alexandria frowned and kept reading. Eventually, she sighed and turned off her phone.

"Door to Cauldron."

A square portal appeared, and she walked through it, into a meeting room in another dimension. The others were already there, watching a video of Aku's encounter with the Slaughterhouse Nine. It was shaky and out of focus, having been taken by some reckless idiot with a cellphone. Numberman twitched when he heard Aku's speech. The others glanced at each other. The fact that Aku knew Number Man's past and current identity was ...concerning.

Eventually, the video ended with Aku lifting an arm into the air, causing a squat black building to sprout from the ground. They sat silently, caught between catharsis at seeing Earth Bet's worst serial killers dead and paranoia from seeing this new player on the field. Eidolon fidgeted and spoke hesitantly.

"...So, what is he? An entity? A ...super-endbringer?"

Alexandria and Legend did their best to stifle a pair of groans. They ignored Eidolon's puzzled expression as Doctor Mother mused quietly.

"It could be that we are dealing with something that opposes Scion. Perhaps a rival or a different species? This 'Aku' could be this being's endbringer equivalent, or the being itself…"

"...Is that good or bad?"

Alexandria growled without looking at Legend.

"Bad. we don't know it's true motivations. Killing the S9 is no guarantee of benevolence. And anything that can _eat_ an endbringer is going to be dangerous."

Legend privately disagreed, but everyone else seemed determined to assume the worst-case scenario. Alexandria turned towards Contessa, who was quietly thinking.

"Contessa, can you path this ...Aku?

The world's strongest precog nodded and paused for a second before speaking to the air.

"Door to banana cream pie."

The people around her watched with a variety of odd expressions. Contessa's paths were often strange and made no sense, but they always got results. Even so, the idea that _pie_ was going to help figure out what 'Aku' was struck them as a little farfetched. Contessa reached through the portal that appeared, picked up the pie with a blank expression, then swung it around and threw it at Alexandria.

The banana cream pie sailed perfectly through the air and hit Alexandria in the face with a splat.

Everyone in the room, Contessa included, stared in shock as Alexandria pulled the pie tin off her face and wiped the whipped cream out of her eyes. She glared at Contessa, the expression ruined by the custard and slices of banana covering her face.

"...And? What did that accomplish?"

Contessa's response was to smile widely and laugh in a deep, haunting voice.

"**AhahahaHAHA! Fools!**"

The other members of Cauldron flung themselves away from Contessa and stared with wide eyes at her. She gave them an inhuman grin and continued speaking in that echo of Aku's voice.

"**Did you truly think that your pathetic precognition would work against Me? Aku, the Shape-shifting Master of Darkness? Ha! Foolish Worms! Aku is **_**beyond**_ **your comprehension! Hahahaha!**"

The voice kept laughing for a while, growing fainter. Contessa's voice slowly overtook it until she was the only one they heard laughing. Then she smiled faintly and fell over.

Everyone stared at her then looked at each other. Eidolon swallowed slightly and spoke in a quiet tone.

"I don't think we should have any more thinkers analyze Aku."

"Y-yes… I think you are right."

**-!-!-!-**

**Title drop!**

**Also, I tried to make the forum thread as realistic as possible. I hope it worked.**


End file.
